The Satire Desk

Cromulent AI seeks an immediate joiner — available yesterday, committed to seven rounds, and happy to do a 15-hour unpaid take-home first. The role has been open nine months.

Gormless Systems formalises the salary-history anchor policy: never improve the offer, wait three weeks, re-offer the identical number, and let the candidate's timeline do the negotiating.

Gormless Systems formalises its approach to candidates who are 'too professional, too prepared, too experienced': reject them, point them at a senior role that does not exist, and wait.

Cromulent AI updates its take-home policy: AI is now allowed. Detectable AI is not. Candidates must simply ensure their machine-written work cannot be recognised as machine-written, by a machine.

Even the people who work for free are getting the budget-constraints layoff script. Cromulent AI restructures its zero-cost contributor bench.

Why deliver the bad news yourself when a model can do it at 3:47 a.m.? Cromulent AI automates the offer rescission.

The candidate who is desperately trying not to get hired scores as the perfect hire — so withdrawal is now a positive signal.

Five rounds, an unpaid take-home, weeks of ghosting — all of it in service of a perfectly worded rejection email.

Four interview rounds to find someone who can change a button's colour from #3B82F6 to #2563EB. Role fidelity, achieved.

Any candidate who asks for the budget first will be met with a calibrated silence. The salary band section remains under active review since 2019.