Blackwood & Vane — Head of Purpose (Compensation Disclosed After You Stop Asking)

BLACKWOOD & VANE EXECUTIVE SEARCH — HEAD OF PURPOSE

Four rounds. One question. No salary until you stop asking.

THE ROLE

A role that exists. This is the only fact we will disclose.

THE QUESTION

Every candidate is asked, in every round: why do you want to work here? Acceptable answers include the mission, the problem, and the people. Unacceptable answers include money, stability, “I need a job,” “you were the only one hiring,” and any sentence containing the word rent.

THE INSTRUMENT

Answers are scored on the Motivation Verification Scale, which measures spark. A candidate who mentions compensation in round one is recorded as transactional and placed in a fourteen-day cooldown. After the cooldown they may reapply, with a rewritten answer and an explanation of what was wrong with the first one.

THE PANEL

The panel asks the same question four times. Identical answers suggest rehearsal. Different answers suggest inconsistency. Both are noted. The panel does not tell the candidate which of these is worse, because the panel itself does not know.

THE OFFER

Compensation is disclosed after acceptance, verbally, once, in a room with no pen. Candidates who ask for it in writing are classified as not here for the work. Candidates who ask for it twice are reclassified as here for the money, which is the same category, but logged separately.

THE SMALL PRINT

The mission is confidential. Candidates who ask what the mission is are booked for a second mission alignment call, in which they are told that the mission is confidential. Candidates who ask again are congratulated on their curiosity.

HOW TO APPLY

Tell us why you want the job without mentioning the job, the pay, or the hours. The strongest applications will be invited to explain, in person, why they did not mention them.

— Blackwood & Vane. We move candidates forward. Constantly. Toward the door.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.