From the Satire Desk · general · Issue —
Wexley & Loam — Head of Hospitality (Final Round: Dinner for Forty; Catering Unpaid)
WEXLEY & LOAM EXECUTIVE SEARCH — HEAD OF HOSPITALITY
Four rounds. One kitchen. Catering not reimbursed.
THE ROLE
You will own the guest experience. This is the only part of the role we are able to describe.
THE PROCESS
Round one is a screening call. Round two is a panel. Round three is a presentation on hospitality. Round four is a dinner for forty people, prepared by you, in our office kitchen, on a Tuesday evening, for our current employees. It is described in the calendar invite as a team appreciation event. It is not described in the calendar invite as an interview.
THE COMMITTEE
The dinner is scored by whoever is in the room. There is no rubric, because a true host does not need one. Guests are asked to note moments of warmth on a napkin. Napkins are collected at the end and placed in a folder marked culture.
THE BUDGET
There is no budget. Candidates who ask about a budget are told the role requires resourcefulness. Candidates who bring receipts are told the role requires a sense of occasion. Candidates who submit an invoice are congratulated on their attention to detail and moved to the pool for a finance role that does not exist.
THE EVALUATION
Dishes are judged on generosity, presentation, and whether anyone asked for seconds. Cost is not scored, on the grounds that generosity cannot be measured. Finalists are told that the strongest signal is a candidate who thinks about the guests before thinking about themselves. This is also how we describe the salary.
THE OFFER
The successful candidate receives an offer the following morning. They are asked to start on Thursday, because there is a board dinner on Friday. The board dinner is for twelve. It is not unpaid. It is described as an opportunity.
THE SMALL PRINT
Candidates who decline round four are thanked for their time and recorded as lacking service instinct. Candidates who complete round four and are not selected are thanked for the meal. Their names are kept on file for future dinners.
HOW TO APPLY
Send a cover letter explaining what you would cook for forty people you have never met, on a budget you have not been given, in a kitchen you have not seen. The strongest applications will be invited to cook it.
— Wexley & Loam. We move candidates forward. Constantly. Toward the door.
From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.