Oakeshott & Vale — Chief of Staff (Twelve-Hour Days, Three Years, Nights Included)

OAKESHOTT & VALE TALENT — CHIEF OF STAFF

Location: Menlo Park, in person. Hours: eight to eight, generally. Duration: three years, described in the brief as “a chapter.” Compensation: not listed. That is the first test.

THE ROLE

Our client is not looking for a scheduler. He is looking for a thought partner — someone to evaluate deals, meet founders, research unfamiliar technologies, draft briefs, and support portfolio companies. Once trust is earned, the successful candidate may speak on the principal’s behalf, briefly, before being corrected.

THE HOURS

Twelve-hour days. Availability on nights and weekends when needed, a phrase that has never, in the history of employment, meant “rarely.” The principal has clarified that there is no specific hourly requirement. He works eighty hours a week. Applicants are expected to keep pace, which is not a requirement, merely an expectation with a calendar attached.

THE PROCESS

No cover letter is required. The posting asks only that candidates not need predictable hours, a defined playbook, or frequent direction. Those are listed as disqualifications. More than a thousand people applied anyway, which the firm regards as proof of the market and not, under any circumstances, of the terms.

THE SMALL PRINT

This is not a dedicated investing seat or a guaranteed path to one. It is a seat adjacent to one, for three years, at a salary to be discussed after the chapter ends. Candidates who ask about overtime will be considered “not yet calibrated.”

HOW TO APPLY

Send a short note explaining why you need less sleep than other people. Or don’t. The principal will infer.

— Oakeshott & Vale Talent. We move candidates forward. Constantly. Toward the door.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.