Marrow & Bell — Head of Copy (Finalists Screened by Psychic; $111 per Aura)

MARROW & BELL EXECUTIVE SEARCH — HEAD OF COPY

Location: remote, ideally near a crystal. Compensation: $111 per finalist, payable to our contractor.

THE ROLE

Our client, a small email-marketing agency, is hiring a Head of Copy. The previous four hires were great and are gone. The agency has burned through them in a single year. Rather than examine the management, the client has upgraded the hiring process. The process now includes a psychic.

THE SCREENING

Finalists submit the usual: CV, portfolio, two writing samples. Our client will also collect up to ten photographs from each finalist’s public social accounts and send them to a licensed intuitive, who will read personality and “emotional blockages” from the images. The reading costs $111 per finalist. Two finalists, $222. This is a bargain, and has been described internally as prudent.

THE ASSESSMENT

The intuitive does not interview the candidates. The photographs are sufficient. A good aura suggests culture fit. A blocked aura suggests the candidate will leave in four months, which is exactly what happened to the last four great hires, and is therefore a risk we cannot take.

THE PANEL

The panel consists of the Head of Copy, who is the CEO’s ex, and the Head of Copy’s judgment, which is not hiring a panel. Applicants who object to the photographic screening will be read as having a blockage.

THE SMALL PRINT

The agency is fiscally responsible. It has declined to purchase work-critical tools for the team, to protect the budget for the readings. Photographs must be public. Private photographs will be requested separately, by the psychic’s assistant, who is also the Head of Copy.

HOW TO APPLY

Send a recent photograph in which your eyes are visible, your emotional blockages are not, and your aura is roughly the colour of a well-funded series A. Finalists will be notified within one lunar cycle.

— Marrow & Bell. We move candidates forward. Constantly. Toward the door.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.