goodbye, interview.
⚠ Satire — this document is fiction. The companies and people are made up. The maths, regrettably, is real.

From the Satire Desk · general · Issue —

Halcyon Talent Group — Candidate Clarification Response Protocol (v3)

HALCYON TALENT GROUP — CANDIDATE EXPERIENCE

Clarification Response Protocol — v3

Internal. Do not distribute. Specifically, do not attach it to the offer letter again.

PURPOSE

To standardise how we handle candidate questions about the terms of an offer. Recent experience shows that answering a question only encourages a second one.

CLASSIFICATION

• Tier 1 — salary. Reply: “We offer a competitive package.”

• Tier 2 — schedule. Reply: “Standard schedule: 5 days in-office, no exceptions.”

• Tier 3 — the offer letter contradicts what the hiring manager said in interviews. See ESCALATION.

ESCALATION

A candidate who has read the offer letter carefully is a risk. A candidate who has read it and asked about it is a different role. Reply, same day, in one line: “Unfortunately, we’ve decided to move forward with another candidate.”

DISCREPANCY HANDLING

If the letter contradicts the interviews, the fault lies with the hiring manager, who is not to be informed.

FREQUENTLY ASKED

Q: What if the candidate only wants to understand the sick-day policy?

A: Then the candidate understands the sick-day policy. Move on.

Q: What about the unpaid first 90 days?

A: Those are the days before the candidate is fully committed.

NOTICE PERIOD

If a candidate must give notice, we recommend they not. We were hoping to fill this by next week.

CLOSING

Please direct all clarifications to the void. It responds promptly.

— Halcyon Talent Group. Clear on everything except the terms.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.

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