goodbye, interview.
⚠ Satire — this document is fiction. The companies and people are made up. The maths, regrettably, is real.

From the Satire Desk · general · Issue —

Northgate Talent Partners — Candidate Beverage Policy (Interim)

NORTHGATE TALENT PARTNERS — CANDIDATE EXPERIENCE

Interview Conduct Standards, Addendum 7: Beverages

(Interim guidance. Effective immediately.)

PURPOSE

Recent events require clarity on what a candidate may hold while being assessed.

STANDARD

Candidates should arrive without a beverage. A cup carried into an interview signals that the interview is a stop on a list of errands — the shop, then the coffee place, then us, then the next thing. It looks a little too casual.

If offered water, it is acceptable to accept it. It is not acceptable to have brought your own.

SCOPE

Applies to iced coffee, iced lattes, hot coffee, tea, smoothies, energy drinks, and anything with a straw.

RATIONALE

An interview is a formal evaluation. Formality requires signalling focus and respect. A beverage signals neither.

FREQUENTLY ASKED

Q: Isn't this about coffee?

A: It has never been about coffee.

Q: What if the interview runs long?

A: It won't.

NON-COMPLIANCE

Candidates arriving with a beverage will be assessed on their skills, as always. They will also be remembered. Interviews are a two-way street, and one side has a long memory.

CLOSING

We look forward to meeting you. Please finish your drink beforehand.

— Northgate Talent Partners. Understanding the environment is the key.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.

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