INTERNAL MEMO: Candidate Asset Recovery Protocol — Post-Incident Review

FROM

Office of Talent Logistics, Gormless Systems

TO

All Hiring Managers and IT Asset Management

RE

Candidate 47-B ("Marcus") — Post-Incident Review and Updated Protocol

On June 2, 2026, Candidate 47-B completed our seven-stage interview process, received a written offer, and was issued a standard-issue Gormless MacBook Pro (Asset Tag GS-MBP-8842) shipped to the address on file: 14B Industrial Way, Unit 7.

The following timeline has been reconstructed by our Talent Logistics team:

08:42 — MacBook delivery confirmed via courier tracking. Recipient signature: "M."

09:00 — Scheduled start time. Candidate does not log into onboarding portal.

09:15 — Recruiting Coordinator attempts phone contact. Number disconnected.

09:30 — IT initiates device location. Last known coordinates: a vacant lot behind an abandoned warehouse. The address "14B Industrial Way, Unit 7" does not exist.

10:00 — LinkedIn profile deleted. Email bounces. GitHub account 404s. The candidate has erased his digital existence with the thoroughness of someone who has done this before.

14:00 — IT confirms MacBook has been factory reset, encrypted, and is unrecoverable.

Financial impact: one MacBook Pro (,399), seven interviewers' time across eleven hours of cumulative interviews, and one deeply unsettled Talent Logistics department.

UPDATED PROTOCOL — Effective immediately:

1. All offer letters now include an "Equipment Receipt Acknowledgment" clause with GPS verification.

2. Device delivery addresses must be verified via satellite imagery and at least one in-person reconnaissance visit.

3. New hires must submit a selfie holding today's newspaper outside a recognised landmark before receiving hardware.

4. The Recruiting team will henceforth consider "the ability to be found after signing" a core competency.

We thank the Talent Logistics team for their vigilance and remind all staff that the "Gormless Systems Candidate Experience Pledge" remains our north star: "We meet candidates where they are — unless where they are is a vacant lot behind an abandoned warehouse."

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.