Gormless Systems: Job Description (Requirements: All of Them)

GORMLESS SYSTEMS INC. — JOB DESCRIPTION

Senior Widget Engineer (Mid-Level) · Remote · Competitive

About the role

You will own the widget roadmap end to end, in a flat, high-trust, low-bureaucracy team of nine.

Requirements

· Twelve years' experience with a framework released four years ago.

· Fluency in six programming languages, three of which are ours.

· Three days a week on site, in a city we will not name until stage four.

· Salary expectations supplied before the salary is discussed.

· Willingness to answer the same question at every stage, in more detail each time.

· Must not ask how many rounds remain. (There are nine.)

Nice to have

· A portfolio proving you have already done this exact job, unpaid, for a competitor.

· A reference from a manager who can be contacted, and who must not be contacted.

[INTERNAL NOTE — DELETE BEFORE POSTING]

Make the list longer. Legal advises that we must post the role, not that anybody must qualify for it. If an applicant satisfies all of the above, escalate to the committee immediately; that would be a first, and the committee will want to be sitting.

— Talent Acquisition, Gormless Systems Inc.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.