Interoffice memo: Referral-Driven Employee Re-Certification Protocol (RD-ERCP v2.1)

GORMLESS SYSTEMS — HUMAN RESOURCES DIVISION\nINTERNAL MEMO — DO NOT FORWARD\n\nTO: All Employees With Active Referrals\nFROM: Talent Integrity & Judgement Assurance (TIJA) Unit\nDATE: June 22, 2026\nRE: Immediate Re-Interview Requirement — Policy Update\n\nEffective immediately, any employee whose referred candidate fails to solve a basic three-sum problem during the screening phase will be deemed to have exercised "impaired professional judgement" and must undergo re-certification.\n\nThe logic is straightforward: if you cannot identify talent, you may not be talent. Re-interviewing is not a punishment — it is an opportunity to re-prove your own competence using the same rubric applied to external candidates.\n\nProcess:\n1. Employee receives an automated calendar invite titled "Alignment Session" within 24 hours of referral failure.\n2. The re-interview consists of two LeetCode mediums, one system design exercise, and a reverse-reference check where your former manager is contacted for comment.\n3. Results are graded on a curve against the candidate you referred. A lower score than your referral constitutes grounds for a Performance Improvement Plan.\n\nEmployees who have never made a referral are exempt. Employees who have made successful referrals may bank one "referral credit" good for one (1) re-interview waiver. Credits expire at the end of each quarter.\n\nQuestions should be directed to the TIJA Slack channel, which is monitored by an AI agent trained exclusively on rejection email templates.\n\n— END MEMO —

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.