Cromulent AI: Talent Acquisition Memo, Search Week 14

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Hiring Committee · From: Talent Acquisition · Re: Search status, week 14

CROMULENT AI — TALENT ACQUISITION

Internal memo: Requisition TA-4471, Senior Backend Engineer (Rev. 3)

1. The role remains open. Fourteen weeks of sourcing have produced eleven candidates who cleared the screen. None was a fit.

2. The committee has confirmed the requirements are correct and are not to be revised. They are: eight years of Rust, at least six of them at a company that no longer exists; prior ownership of a service that scaled past one million users without a single minute of downtime; a current cadence of daily production deploys; and four days a week on-site in a city where we have no office.

3. Where a candidate met eleven of the twelve requirements, the committee noted that they did not meet the twelfth, and closed the file.

4. Position papers describing the search as over-constrained are not to be circulated. The market is simply thin.

5. The phrase for the weekly update is "there is no talent." That phrase, and only that phrase.

6. The requisition is to remain open, and the salary is to be described to candidates as competitive.

— Talent Acquisition, Cromulent AI

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.