Psychometric Screening Addendum: Dishware Sanitation Associate Intake, Cromulent Hospitality

**Cromulent Hospitality Group — Internal Memo**

**To:** All Dishware Sanitation Associate applicants

**From:** Talent Acquisition & Psychometric Calibration

**Re:** Required pre-employment assessment

Thank you for your interest in washing dishes for minimum wage. Before your application can be considered, please complete our AI-powered personality assessment. The test presents a series of images of vaguely humanoid figures rendered in an unlicensed shade of blue and asks whether you agree or disagree with prompts such as:

- 'Things Happen to Me'

- 'Just for Fun'

- 'Always Wonder Why'

- 'Imagine a Perfect World'

Please do not ask what any of this has to do with a three-compartment sink. The algorithm has determined these prompts measure your trait profile for plate-stacking. The algorithm is never wrong, except when it is, in which case the algorithm has determined that you were the problem.

Applicants who answer honestly will be flagged as non-compliant. Applicants who intuit that every correct answer is a variation of 'I am a docile, non-confrontational worker bee who has never once wondered why anything happens' will advance to round two: a ninety-second video in which you explain, in exactly forty-seven words, what inspires you about hot water and sanitation.

One applicant observed that the assessment resembled 'an Area 51 entrance exam' and that one of the blue figures was 'one ugly ass creature.' We have referred this comment to Legal, which has also been replaced by a blue figure holding a clipboard.

There is no passing score that matters. The assessment exists so that when the store manager — who has never opened your resume — hires their cousin instead, we can cite an objective, data-driven reason. The cousin is, naturally, exempt from the assessment.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.