Pilgrim Saint Chemical Works — Production Technician (Salary $160k–$180k)

PILGRIM SAINT CHEMICAL WORKS — PRODUCTION TECHNICIAN

Salary: $160,000–$180,000. Full accommodation and transportation provided. Read the listing to the end before applying. Most do not.

THE ROLE

You will operate a chemical mixer. You will also become a faithful Pilgrim Saint and assist in establishing our new religious organization. The two are not separable. The mixer is the smaller part of the job.

THE LIFE

Having, acquiring, or establishing a large family of your own would be expected. Consider the attention to your private life a benefit. It is not optional and it is not private.

THE PACKAGE

We provide full accommodation and transportation — a home, a car, and a job, together. You will want to think of them as one thing, because they are. Should you fall short of the family expectation, you will lose your job, your house, and your car at the same time. This is stated plainly, in the listing a mainstream job board reviewed and published.

WHY IT PAYS SO WELL

It is a chemical mixing job.

— Pilgrim Saint Chemical Works. We move candidates forward. Constantly. Toward the door.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.