INTEROFFICE MEMO: Re: The Hogwarts PhD Resume Incident

FROM

Talent Acquisition, Cromulent AI

TO

All Hiring Managers

DATE: June 12, 2026

SUBJECT: Updated Resume Review Protocols — The Hogwarts PhD Incident

Effective immediately, all hiring managers must conduct a thirty-second visual scan of resumes before advancing candidates to interview.

Last week, a candidate identified as "Supreme Code Overlord, Google X Quantum Labs & Meta AI Reality Distortion Department" with a PhD from "MIT, Hogwarts, and Coursera" and fluency in ninety-seven programming languages — including Telepathic Debugging — received five interview invitations from our firm within the same business day. The candidate's listed reference note stated that Cromulent AI would need to "hire thirty engineers to replace him, as we could not afford him." This statement was flagged only after the third interview had concluded.

The candidate also listed thirty-two years of professional experience. He is thirty. His listed skill of "functioning without coffee or oxygen" was noted approvingly by two hiring managers as a sign of resilience.

The root cause has been identified: our ATS keyword-matching system — calibrated for the 2022 market — awarded this resume a ninety-four percent fit score against our Senior Architect requisition. By comparison, the highest-scoring real human resume this quarter earned a sixty-one.

We convened an emergency task force. After three hours of deliberation, we have actioned the following:

1. The phrase "Supreme Code Overlord" has been added to our ATS exclusion list.

2. Hogwarts has been reclassified from "Unrecognised Institution — Flag for Review" to "Unrecognised Institution — Are You Even Reading This."

3. All hiring managers now receive a daily email with the subject line "SKIM THE RESUME BEFORE YOU HIT SCHEDULE."

We thank the candidate for the stress test and wish him well in his ongoing search. His profile remains active in our system under the tag "DO NOT CONTACT — ALREADY EMPLOYED BY MULTIPLE REALITY DISTORTION FIELDS."

— Talent Acquisition, Cromulent AI

P.S. Two hiring managers have requested we reconsider. The task force is reviewing their access permissions.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.