goodbye, interview.
⚠ Satire — this document is fiction. The companies and people are made up. The maths, regrettably, is real.

From the Satire Desk · general · Issue —

Kestrel Talent Group — Compensation Disclosure & Candidate Contact Standards (Confidential)

KESTREL TALENT GROUP — COMPENSATION DISCLOSURE & CANDIDATE CONTACT STANDARDS

Confidential. Disclosure to a candidate would constitute a number, which we do not provide.

COMPENSATION

Advertise the aspirational ceiling as the range. Confirm the higher figure on the first call, by voice, to build trust. Open the written offer at roughly sixty percent of it. When questioned, laugh warmly and explain that the advertised figure is the ceiling a candidate may reach after three to five years. Cite the total rewards package: summer half-days, and culture.

FEEDBACK LOOP

Tell the candidate they nailed it. Name them the top candidate. Promise contact by Monday or Tuesday. Contact no one. When you do reply, three to five weeks later, send the template that was drafted before the first interview. Timing is the craft; the content never was.

ROUNDS

Four interviews is the evidentiary ceiling. Run five to eight, and repeat the full loop across four companies, each rejected at the finalist stage with no feedback. The candidate will supply their own reasons — that labour is free.

INVITATIONS

If you have ghosted a candidate, you may still contact them. Reach them on LinkedIn, and invite them to the company puzzle game. Do not mention the job. The job was the first ghost; the puzzle is the second.

CLOSING

Notify no one. Where notice is unavoidable, keep it to a single line, and never the reason.

— Kestrel Talent Group. We move candidates forward. Constantly. Toward the door.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.

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