Granite Talent Group — Process Integrity & Offer Control Standards (Internal)

GRANITE TALENT GROUP — PROCESS INTEGRITY & OFFER CONTROL STANDARDS

Internal. Providing this document to a candidate would constitute feedback, which we do not provide.

FUNNEL LENGTH

Seven rounds is standard: screen, manager, manager’s manager, panel, case study, board deck, HR. Ensure the person with final authority attends none of them. Reserve the last hour before the start date for that person’s first look at the résumé. Preferred closing discoveries are “insufficient years of experience” and a degree we do not recognise. The candidate should have declined other processes by then; this is the point.

PEDIGREE

Do not raise the college until the final round. If a candidate asks to interview remotely, tell them others who asked the same have already been rejected — then agree, so the eventual pedigree filter lands after maximum investment. Twenty days is a good floor.

SAMPLE WORK

Call their portfolio “pretty basic.” Present the insult as generosity: “we still want to give you a chance.” Route every candidate through a “CMO” whose principal function is to issue test assignments.

COMPENSATION

Advertise a stipend; discuss it only after the test. If the candidate asks to confirm the figure, downgrade them — the question is the assessment. Maintain a public profile of AI-generated posts and a follower count meaningfully below the headcount you claim.

SCHEDULING

Invite the employed candidate to a video round. Join, declare the candidate absent, and leave after five minutes. Provide no alternative contact. If challenged, note that this has never happened before. Offer a replacement slot only at a time the candidate has said they cannot make, then cite the director’s availability.

CLOSING

Notify no one. Where notice is unavoidable, keep it to a single line, and never the reason.

— Granite Talent Group. We run the process. The process runs the rest.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.