JOB REQ #2026-07-TRAVEL: Senior Time Traveller (5+ Years Required)

TO

All Hiring Managers

FROM

Talent Acquisition, Cromulent AI

RE

Revised Qualification Standards for Senior Roles

MEMORANDUM

DATE: July 12, 2026

Effective immediately, all job descriptions must incorporate the following minimum requirements, as ratified by the Talent Calibration Committee:

1. EXPERIENCE: Candidates must possess a minimum of five years of hands-on production experience with any tool, framework, or language — including those that have existed for fewer than five years. Time travel, precognition, or authorship of the tool in question will be accepted as equivalent qualifications. Candidates who were present at the creation of the tool but lack exactly five years of post-launch experience will be considered on a case-by-case basis.

2. AVAILABILITY: The role requires a seven-day work week. Messages sent at 3:00 a.m. local time must receive a response within twelve minutes. Candidates who describe this as "unreasonable" will be flagged in the ATS as lacking hustle.

3. PHYSICAL FITNESS: All senior engineering candidates must be able to run three to five miles at a twelve-minute pace alongside the CEO during the final interview. This is non-negotiable. The CEO describes this as a "vibe check."

4. COMPENSATION: The salary range for this role is $50,000–$250,000, with the final figure to be determined by a proprietary algorithm, prevailing lunar phase, and the candidate's willingness to accept the lower number without asking follow-up questions.

5. CULTURE FIT: We are looking for a rock star. A ninja. A purple squirrel who bleeds our values. Actual musical ability, martial arts training, or arboreal rodent physiology will not be considered during evaluation.

Applications close when the committee feels like it. No phone calls. No emails. If you are selected to move forward, a recruiter may or may not contact you within a timeframe we decline to specify.

— End Memo —

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.