Internal memo: Introducing the Pre-Emptive Applicant Elimination System

**FROM:** Office of Talent Optimisation, Cromulent AI

**TO:** All Hiring Managers

**SUBJECT:** P.A.C.E.S. v2.4 — Pre-Emptive Applicant Elimination System

Effective Monday, Cromulent AI will roll out the upgraded P.A.C.E.S. platform across all open requisitions. Key enhancements:

**1. Email-Only Screening.** P.A.C.E.S. now evaluates candidates the moment they type an email address into any application field. The system cross-references domain reputation, the presence of numbers in the handle (signals unseriousness), and whether the address contains 'hotmail' (auto-reject with a personalised rejection email claiming 'After careful review of your resume'). No resume is reviewed because no resume has been uploaded. This is by design.

**2. Predictive Rejection.** For roles in high demand, P.A.C.E.S. will pre-reject candidates before they even see the job posting. Using browser fingerprinting and LinkedIn activity heuristics, the system identifies likely applicants and queues rejection emails in advance. Candidates who later attempt to apply will receive a 404 page. This eliminates the awkward window where a qualified person might slip through.

**3. The P.A.C.E.S. Guarantee.** Every rejection email includes the phrase 'We were impressed by your background' — regardless of whether any background was ever provided. Candidate satisfaction surveys indicate that 0% of recipients respond, which we interpret as closure.

Managers with questions may direct them to the P.A.C.E.S. support portal. Please note that the portal uses P.A.C.E.S. to screen support tickets and will likely reject yours.

*Cromulent AI — Hiring for tomorrow, by rejecting you yesterday.*

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.