Internal Memo: Candidate Rejection Rejection Protocol — Gormless Systems

TO

All Hiring Managers, Gormless Systems

FROM

Talent Operations, Rejection Management Division

SUBJECT: Candidate Rejection Rejection Protocol (CRRP) — Effective Immediately

Following a widely circulated incident in which a candidate replied to a standard rejection with “I have decided not to accept your rejection at this time” and “I look forward to joining the team soon,” Gormless Systems has determined that the existing unidirectional rejection model is no longer sustainable.

Effective Q3 2026, all rejection emails shall include a “Reject This Rejection” link, which initiates the following workflow:

1. The candidate’s rejection rejection is routed to the Rejection Appeals Board (RAB), comprised of three randomly selected employees who were themselves rejected by at least two other companies before being hired here.

2. The RAB has five business days to either (a) uphold the rejection, (b) overturn the rejection, or (c) schedule a “clarifying conversation” which is definitely not another interview.

3. If the RAB fails to respond within five business days, the rejection is automatically voided and the candidate shall be issued a provisional offer letter, which they may accept, reject, or reject the rejection of.

We believe this protocol aligns with our core value of “Symmetrical Disrespect” and look forward to the increased administrative burden it will generate. Candidates are reminded that rejecting a rejection of a rejection (R³) will trigger an escalation to the office of the Chief Circularity Officer.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.