INTERNAL MEMO: Candidate Empathy Protocol v2.4, Gormless Systems Talent Operations

TO

All Talent Acquisition Partners

FROM

Director of Candidate Experience Engineering, Gormless Systems

CC

Legal, Brand Safety, The One Person Who Still Proofreads

SUBJECT: Q3 rejection email templates and AI prompt hygiene

Team,

Following last quarter's unfortunate incident in which a rejection email was sent containing the raw prompt "Make the candidate feel like they were strongly considered even if they weren't" alongside the unreplaced variable {{rejection_message}}, we are rolling out mandatory AI prompt hygiene training.

Effective immediately:

1. All AI-generated rejection emails must be read by a human before sending. We understand this contradicts the purpose of using AI in the first place, but the optics have been suboptimal.

2. The phrase "we were impressed by your background" has been deprecated. Internal data shows it is now the most-screenshotted sentence on r/recruitinghell. Replace with "we have carefully reviewed your application," which our analytics indicate is believed by approximately 4% more candidates.

3. Please ensure all template placeholders are populated. Sending {{candidate_name}} to the candidate is, as Legal reminds us, a data point in potential class actions.

4. The new rejection email template (attached as Appendix A) has been optimised to convey warmth, gratitude, and the unmistakable message that we will never think about this candidate again. Please use it.

Remember the Gormless Way: Every rejection is an opportunity to make someone mildly less resentful.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.