Gormless Systems Memo 2026-205: The Compensation Anchor Policy

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Salary History Anchor Policy (v4)

GORMLESS SYSTEMS - INTERNAL MEMO

Office of Compensation Alignment

To All Recruiters:

It has come to our attention that candidates continue to negotiate. This must stop.

Effective immediately, every offer is to be anchored to the candidate's previous salary, which they will disclose when asked. If they decline to disclose, treat the refusal as a data point and offer the same figure anyway.

Should a candidate reject our offer, do not improve it. Wait three weeks. Call back. Tell them we would "really like to have them." Ask nothing new. Re-offer the identical number.

We have found this works. Candidates return, having exhausted their other options, and sign at the original figure. The trick is patience: our strongest asset is their timeline.

A note on ranges: do not confuse compensation alignment with generosity. A candidate who accepts the first number and a candidate who accepts the third are, for our purposes, the same hire, and both should be started at the bottom of the band.

If a candidate asks why the figure did not move, explain that the market has spoken. The market is us.

- The Satire Desk

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.