From the Satire Desk · general · Issue —
Gormless Systems: Candidate Retention & Anti-Ghosting Protocol
**Gormless Systems, Inc. — Internal Memo**
**Re: The Disappearing Candidate**
It has come to the People Committee's attention that candidates have begun doing to us what we have long done to them.
Effective immediately, all offers will be issued with the understanding that the candidate may simply evaporate. To manage this, the following protocols apply:
- All offers now expire in six (6) hours, after which the role is reposted with 'ghost' status.
- Candidate Experience will send a pre-acceptance survey, a mid-consideration survey, and a 'have you vanished?' survey. A response to none of them will be interpreted as enthusiasm.
- Onboarding paperwork will be sent before the offer letter, on the theory that a candidate who has already submitted their bank details is statistically less likely to leave us on read.
- In the event a candidate accepts and then disappears, HR shall respond with the same two (2) weeks of silence we traditionally extend to them, followed by an automated rejection of the candidate's rejection.
We are confident these measures will reduce ghosting by at least negative forty percent.
— The People Committee, sent from an unmonitored inbox
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