Gormless Systems: 'Experience' Means Interviews Survived

**Gormless Systems, Inc. — Application for Employment (Revised)**

**Section 4: Experience**

Many applicants misunderstand this section. Please read carefully before answering.

**Q. Years of experience in this field?**

For our purposes, "experience" is measured in interviews survived, not calendar years. One (1) completed job interview equals one (1) year of experience, regardless of duration, role, or outcome.

- Rejections count double.

- Ghostings count triple — proof of resilience under prolonged silence.

- A recruiter no-show awards a bonus half-year, redeemable toward any future role.

- Take-home assignments convert at a rate of two (2) hours of unpaid work per one (1) year of experience.

**Q. Highest level of education?**

Please state the number of automated rejection emails you have received, by subject line. "We regret to inform you" is an associate's degree. "We have decided to move forward with other candidates" is a master's. "After careful consideration" is doctoral-level, and qualifies you for our internship.

**Q. Do you have any questions for us?**

Please be advised that asking about salary, working hours, or whether the role actually exists will be recorded as zero years of experience and may reduce your total.

To apply, attach a resume (optional), a portfolio (optional), and a signed affidavit confirming you have attended at least twenty (20) interviews, as is tradition.

Shortlisted candidates will be contacted within the same calendar year in which they applied, in a non-binding, forward-looking, aspirational sense.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.