INTERNAL MEMO: Cromulent AI Talent Acquisition Audit Findings

TO

Executive Leadership Team

FROM

Talent Acquisition Strategy, Cromulent AI

SUBJECT: Quarterly Hiring Gap Analysis — Urgent

We have now spent seven consecutive quarters failing to fill our 47 open engineering roles. After extensive internal review, we have identified the following root causes:

1. CANDIDATE PIPELINE: Our sourcing team reports that qualified candidates exist in abundance and apply in large numbers. This is not the problem.

2. SCREENING FUNNEL: Our proprietary seven-stage interview process — phone screen, coding challenge (unpaid, 8-hour recommended commitment), system design whiteboard, behavioural panel, VP values alignment, CEO culture fit, and the final peer lunch that is technically assessed but nobody tells the candidate — has produced a 98.7 percent dropout rate. We view this as a quality filter working as designed.

3. COMPENSATION: Market data indicates our offers are in the 35th percentile for our tier. We address this gap through an industry-leading snack wall and unlimited PTO that nobody can actually schedule.

4. TIME-TO-HIRE: Our average is 94 days. Industry benchmark is 28. We are exploring whether this is a branding problem.

RECOMMENDATION: Add an eighth round. The candidates who remain after seven rounds are clearly not demonstrating sufficient commitment to the Cromulent mission.

NEXT STEPS: Form a committee to study the feasibility of forming a committee.

[This memo will self-destruct after the next all-hands, where we will announce a new hiring initiative with the same process and a fresh set of buzzwords.]

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