Cromulent AI Memo 2026-177: The Zero-Budget Workforce Realignment

RE

The Zero-Budget Workforce Realignment Initiative

CROMULENT AI — INTERNAL MEMO

Talent Acquisition & Workforce Division

To All Unpaid Colleagues:

We are writing today to share news that was difficult for us to make and must be even harder for you to receive. Effective immediately, Cromulent AI is restructuring its zero-cost contributor bench.

We understand this will come as a shock. You give us your work for free. You fetch coffee. You make copies. When we said “due to budget constraints,” you pointed out, correctly, that you cost us nothing. When we cited market conditions, you noted that your compensation is currently a favour your father did for one of our directors. Both points are valid, and we honoured them by conducting a rigorous, data-driven review of every role that costs us nothing.

The review concluded that your positions — created, as you know, as favours — no longer align with our strategic priorities. As such, your unpaid roles have been restructured into a new, leaner category of unpaid role. We are confident this will unlock efficiencies we will also spend nothing on.

Please step into the hallway.

— The Satire Desk

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.