Cromulent AI Memo 2026-172: The Compensation Curiosity Protocol

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The Compensation Curiosity Protocol

CROMULENT AI — INTERNAL MEMO

Talent Acquisition Division · Policy Update

To All Recruiters:

Effective immediately, any candidate who asks "What is the budget for this role?" before volunteering the number they are currently paid will be met with a brief, purposeful silence.

The silence is not a technical fault. It is a negotiation position, calibrated to last precisely as long as it takes for the candidate to grow uncomfortable and fill the void with a figure of their own. Should the candidate fail to produce a figure, the silence may be extended, and the call may be scheduled for a follow-up, which will in turn be scheduled for a follow-up.

Candidates who persist in asking about the budget will be referred to the careers portal, which contains a salary band for every role. The salary band section has not been populated since 2019 and remains under active review, much like the candidate's application.

Guidance for common openings:

- "What salary are you looking for?" — always lead with this.

- "What's the budget?" — the protocol above.

- Candidate names a number below the real range — accept with quiet gratitude. Do not make eye contact.

- Candidate names a number above the real range — express surprise, then reopen the search.

We remain fully committed to market-rate compensation, provided the market is polite enough not to ask the rate first.

— The Satire Desk

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.