Cromulent AI Memo 2026-169: The Two-Minute Self-Introduction

RE

Mandatory Two-Minute Video Self-Introduction

CROMULENT AI — INTERNAL MEMO

Talent Acquisition Division · Policy Update

To All Recruiters:

Effective immediately, every candidate who passes the resume screen will be required to submit a two-minute video introducing themselves.

Initial implementation has exceeded expectations. Candidates have responded with a range of creative submissions, several of which we have provisionally classified as 'definitely a cat.' Early concerns that the video request adds a new burden to an already byzantine process were overruled by the discovery that the videos are, in practice, almost never watched.

We have nonetheless established a preliminary evaluation rubric, pending full review:

- Energy (0-10): based on the first three seconds, unless the first three seconds are the candidate clearing their throat, in which case the entire video is scored against the throat-clear.

- Lighting (0-10): candidates who filmed in a dark room are assumed to be hiding something. Candidates who filmed in direct sunlight are assumed to be hiding something else.

- Introspection (0-10): whether the candidate mentions a 'growth mindset' within the first thirty seconds. We understand 'growth mindset' to be a phrase that costs nothing and means everything.

Candidates who decline to submit a video will be marked 'not a culture fit.' We are confident this is the most efficient way to identify people who are willing to perform unpaid work before the first interview.

We will announce the results of the video review at the same time we announce the results of the interviews: eventually, and only if asked.

— The Satire Desk

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.