CONFIDENTIAL: Physical Readiness Requirements for the Office of the CEO

**Gormless Systems — Internal Memo**

**To:** All applicants for the role of Executive Assistant to the CEO

**From:** Office of Talent Acquisition & Biomechanical Screening

**Subject:** Supplemental qualifications (effective immediately)

Following a review of the CEO's calendar, which includes off-site strategy sessions at elevation, impromptu pitch meetings during half-marathon training, and the annual "Sweat Equity Summit" (Sedona, June), the following physical readiness standards are now prerequisites for the Executive Assistant role:

1. **Cardiovascular Baseline.** Must be able to run 3–5 miles at a 12–13 minute pace. This is not a wellness suggestion. The CEO conducts walking one-on-ones at approximately 8.2 mph and does not slow down for note-taking.

2. **Swim Proficiency.** Candidates will be asked to demonstrate 400 metres in open water. The CEO's best ideas reportedly occur between buoys three and four.

3. **Altitude Acclimatisation.** The corner office is pressurised to simulate 9,000 feet to "sharpen decision-making." Applicants who experience nosebleeds during the first hour of the interview will not be asked back.

4. **Lactate Threshold.** The interview day includes a 20-minute FTP test on a Wahoo KICKR. Power-to-weight ratio will be noted. A score below 3.5 w/kg requires a written explanation.

These standards are provisional pending a forthcoming review by HR, which would have already happened but HR collapsed during the warm-up lap.

No offer will be extended to any candidate who cannot maintain conversational pace while drafting a board memo. The company remains an equal opportunity employer, provided all applicants share the same VO2 max.

Questions may be directed to the CEO's current assistant, who will respond as soon as they finish the cool-down. They have been running since Tuesday.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.