Internal Memo: Introducing the Candidate-as-a-Service Subscription Model

FROM

Head of Talent, Cromulent AI

TO

All Hiring Managers

RE

CaaS Rollout — Candidate-as-a-Service Tiered Access

Effective Q3, all inbound applications will be processed through the CaaS platform. This aligns candidate evaluation with the subscription economy our investors have been asking about.

TIERED ACCESS:

BASIC (Free) — Includes: name, current role, education summary. Contact information withheld. Response time: 6-8 weeks. Automated rejection email generated by our proprietary templating engine currently trained on three months of HR intern drafts.

PROFESSIONAL ($9.99/mo per candidate) — Unlocks: full work history, two references, cover letter. Guaranteed human review within 14 business days. Still no guarantee of an interview, but the rejection email will contain at least one sentence not written by a language model.

PREMIUM ($29.99/mo per candidate) — Unlocks: all of the above, plus an emotional stability indicator, a "culture fit" compatibility score (algorithmic, not vibes-based), and a personalised rejection letter drafted by a real human being who has at least skimmed the application. Candidates who qualify for this tier will be invited to our annual Talent Summit, which is a Zoom webinar with the chat disabled.

ENTERPRISE (Contact Sales) — Custom SLAs. Candidates who demonstrate sustained engagement across multiple application cycles may qualify for a courtesy phone screen, though this is not contractual and previous performance is not indicative of future results.

FAQ:

Q: What if a candidate in the Free tier is actually perfect for the role?

A: They should have upgraded. Retroactive tier migration is not supported at this time.

Q: Is this a joke?

A: We prefer "forward-thinking talent acquisition strategy."

Q: Can I expense my own Premium subscription?

A: No.

— END MEMO —

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.