MEMORANDUM: Re-Staffing the Position You Just Vacated (Yourself)

**CONFIDENTIAL INTERNAL MEMO**\n\n**TO:** Talent Acquisition, Gormless Systems\n**FROM:** Office of Workforce Optimisation\n**RE:** Exciting Backfill Opportunity (Ref: EMP-14YRS-LAIDOFF-Q2)\n\nTeam,\n\nAs part of our ongoing commitment to agile talent strategy, we are pleased to announce that the role formerly held by Employee #4402 (separated Q2, fourteen years of service) has been identified as a critical gap requiring immediate backfill.\n\nPlease activate the standard outreach pipeline targeting passive candidates with relevant domain experience. For efficiency, we recommend mining our own alumni database -- these individuals already possess institutional knowledge and require zero onboarding to understand our systems.\n\n**Action item:** Cross-reference the job description against recent departures and send InMail to any former employee whose profile indicates a 93% or higher keyword match. Note: this may result in contacting the very person who previously held the role. While this is technically a feature of the algorithm, please exercise discretion if the candidate asks whether anyone checked their employment history before hitting send.\n\n**Fallback script (if discovered):**\n"We believe you'd be a perfect fit for this opportunity!" is factually accurate and legally defensible. Do not deviate.\n\nYours in perpetual motion,\nThe Workforce Optimisation Circle

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.