INTERNAL MEMO: Q3 Interview Location Rotation — Cromulent Capital

TO

All Hiring Managers, Cromulent Capital

FROM

Talent Acquisition Strategy Group

SUBJECT: Unconventional Interview Protocol — Q3 2026

DATE: June 13, 2026

Following the success of our Q2 pilot (the Times Square lunch-rush market-making exercise yielded three hires and one arrest), we are pleased to announce the Q3 rotation of off-site interview venues.

Please familiarise yourself with the following protocols:

PANDA EXPRESS — CHINATOWN LOCATION

Candidates will meet the interviewer at 12:15 PM sharp. The task: compute the implied volatility on rice allocation per serving using only a napkin and the visible steam column. Bonus points for hedging the orange chicken exposure. No calculators. Chopsticks provided upon request; proficiency is not assessed but will be noted.

WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK — NORTHWEST CORNER

Interviewer will be mid-game in a street chess match. Candidate must assume the position and market-make the remaining moves. Staying delta-neutral is ideal; creating a synthetic short on the interviewer's rook is grounds for immediate offer. If the original player returns, de-escalation skills will be evaluated.

EQUINOX — 45TH STREET, STAIRMASTER ROW

Candidate will occupy the adjacent StairMaster. At elevation 45, the interview begins. Topics: stochastic calculus, portfolio theory, and why the Goldman MD rowing in the corner switched from fixed income to private credit. Sweat is not a disqualifying factor. Passing out is.

IMPORTANT: All Q3 interviews must conclude with the phrase "No offer for you" — regardless of outcome. This maintains brand consistency across the candidate experience funnel. Successful hires will receive their actual offer 72 hours later via courier pigeon.

A calendar invite for the mandatory interviewer StairMaster certification will follow.

— Talent Acquisition Strategy Group

Cromulent Capital · Where the Interview Is the Job

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.