From the Satire Desk · general · Issue —
Must Have a Master's in Makerspace Management. The Degree Does Not Exist.
**INTERNAL MEMO — Cromulent AI Talent Acquisition**
**TO:** All Hiring Managers
**FROM:** Dr. Penelope Sift, VP of Autonomous Talent Pipeline Engineering
**RE:** Updated Degree Requirements for Q3 2026
Effective immediately, the following credential minimums have been calibrated by our proprietary ATS module (internally codenamed ParchmentFilter v4.2) to ensure only world-class candidates enter our funnel:
| Role | Required Degree | Institutions Offering It |
|-------------------------------|------------------------------------------------|--------------------------|
| Makerspace Coordinator | M.S. in Makerspace Management | None |
| Junior Social Media Associate | Ph.D. in Platform Sentiment Thermodynamics | None |
| Office Manager | MBA with concentration in Ergonomic Chair Theory| None |
| Intern, Unpaid | 7–10 years experience in our specific stack | N/A |
We are aware that no accredited university currently offers these degrees. That is not our problem. Our ATS requires a match on the credential field, and we do not override the ATS. The company that built our ATS was acquired by a company that was acquired by a holding company that dissolved in 2024. We have no admin access.
The good news: qualified candidates who do not exist also cannot ghost us, rescind acceptance, or ask about in-hand salary.
Questions? Please file a ticket through the internal portal. The portal was sunset last quarter as a cost-saving measure.
— Dr. Sift
*Cromulent AI: Disrupting hiring through autonomous, unaccountable, and frequently imaginary qualification thresholds.*
From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.