Founding Engineer wanted. Weekends are 'brunch-flexible.'

**INTERNAL MEMO — TALENT ACQUISITION**

**TO:** All Hiring Managers

**FROM:** VP of People & Velocity, Gormless Systems

**SUBJECT:** Updated Founding Engineer job description (v.7)

Following feedback that our previous JD was "too corporate," we have revised the language to better reflect our *authentic* culture.

**What we're looking for:**

- Someone who sees "weekend" as a state of mind, not a calendar fact. Our team grabs brunch on Saturdays (flexible!) and we find that's when the best architecture decisions happen. You should be comfortable receiving Slack messages at 3 a.m. and not interpreting them as a boundary violation.

- A candidate with a "massive chip on their shoulder" and/or what our culture consultant calls a "neurodivergent superpower." We celebrate obsession. Work-life balance is for companies with less urgent missions.

- 7+ years of experience in our stack. Our stack was released 18 months ago.

- Willingness to relocate to a tier-2 city we're not naming yet, at your own expense, for a role that may pivot to "Head of Vibes" by Q3.

**Compensation:** 0.3–0.7% equity (4-year vest, 1-year cliff, you will likely be diluted to nothing before cliff). Salary: we're "capital-efficient" which means you'll need savings.

**How to apply:** Solve our production outage. If your solution works, we'll schedule a call. If it doesn't, thanks for the free debug session.

*Gormless Systems is an equal-opportunity exploiter. We do not discriminate on the basis of sleep requirements, personal boundaries, or self-respect.*

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.