From the Satire Desk · committee minutes · Issue —
Minutes: final-round deliberation, Candidate A vs Candidate B
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- Hiring Committee · Gormless Systems Ltd
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- File
- RE
- Minutes: final-round deliberation, Candidate A vs Candidate B
Present: Six committee members, one notetaker, one observer who was "just curious."
Candidate A built our competitor's core product. Candidate B solved Two Sum in four minutes. Motion to proceed with Candidate B carried unanimously.
Discussion. Committee member Patel noted that Candidate A had shipped three major open-source projects with over 10,000 GitHub stars and had been "suspiciously relaxed" throughout the process. "He didn't even seem nervous during the whiteboard," Patel observed. "That kind of confidence usually indicates a flight risk."
Committee member Jensen seconded: "Candidate B showed real grit on Two Sum. You could see him sweating. That's the growth mindset we're looking for."
Candidate A was flagged as "possibly overqualified, definitely suspicious." The committee agreed not to provide feedback, as this might help a competitor.
Action items: (1) Extend offer to Candidate B. (2) If Candidate B declines, extend offer to Candidate B again but with "can you just think about it" language. (3) If Candidate A accepts a role elsewhere, classify it as "retention data."
From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.