INTERNAL MEMO: Mandatory AI Sentiment Harmonization Protocol — Effective Immediately

CC

Legal (for pre-emptive liability shielding)

CC

PR (for anticipated Glassdoor surge)

**FROM:** Office of Candidate Experience Optimization, Cromulent AI

**TO:** All Hiring Managers and Recruiting Staff

**RE:** Mandatory AI Sentiment Harmonization Protocol — Effective Immediately

Following last quarter's review of our hiring pipeline, the Executive Committee has identified a critical friction point: candidate emotions during the interview process. Specifically, some candidates have exhibited frustration, confusion, and in three documented cases, the use of complete sentences when interacting with our automated screening platform, HARMonix v4.2.

Effective Monday, all interviews will be conducted exclusively through HARMonix. The platform has been upgraded to detect suboptimal sentiment indicators including, but not limited to: question-asking (coded as "defiance"), requests for human escalation (coded as "system distrust"), and pauses exceeding 1.4 seconds (coded as "engagement deficit"). Candidates flagged for any of these markers will receive an automated rejection within 90 seconds of call termination.

To ensure alignment, all human hiring managers will complete the mandatory "Letting Go of Human Intuition" e-learning module by Friday. Managers who express reservations about the protocol will themselves be flagged for sentiment review.

We appreciate your cooperation in delivering a frictionless, sentiment-harmonized candidate experience.

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.