Internal memo: Candidate suitability addendum — non-negotiable disqualifiers

TO

All hiring managers and interview panelists

FROM

Office of Talent Optimisation

RE

Pre-interview candidate disposition framework v2.4

GORMLESS SYSTEMS

INTERNAL -- HR POLICY UPDATE

Effective: Immediately

Following Q2 audit findings, the following non-negotiable disqualification criteria are now in effect. Panels are instructed to reject any candidate meeting ONE OR MORE of the following conditions, regardless of experience, qualifications, or interview performance.

SECTION A -- PROXIMITY AND MOVEMENT

1.1 Previous employer's office located within one (1) kilometre of any Gormless Systems facility. Proximity indicates a statistically elevated risk of trade-secret osmosis. Measurements to be verified via Google Maps by the most junior member of the recruiting team.

1.2 Candidates arriving more than twenty (20) minutes early. Demonstrates poor time management. Candidates arriving fewer than five (5) minutes early. Demonstrates insufficient enthusiasm. The acceptable arrival window is 7--12 minutes before the scheduled time.

SECTION B -- AESTHETIC COMPLIANCE

2.1 Belt colour must match shoe colour within a tolerance of one (1) Pantone shade. This is not negotiable.

2.2 LinkedIn profile photograph must project "quiet competence with a hint of weekend availability." Headshots featuring visible pets, sunglasses, or visible enthusiasm will be flagged.

2.3 Webcam angle during video interviews must present the candidate as looking directly at the interviewer. iPads and other devices with offset cameras are the candidate's problem, not ours.

SECTION C -- INTEREST-BASED RISK ASSESSMENT

3.1 Listing any single-ingredient food item as an interest (e.g., olive oil, sourdough, artisanal salt) constitutes a red flag. Candidates with niche food interests have been shown in internal studies to be 34% more likely to bring in homemade items during office hours, creating unquantified morale externalities.

3.2 Accepting snacks offered during the interview. The snack is a test. The correct response is: "Thank you, but I'd prefer to focus on our conversation." Candidates who eat the snack have revealed an inability to read the room and an alarming willingness to accept things offered to them.

SECTION D -- MISCELLANEOUS

4.1 Red hair. Historical hiring data indicates a correlation with "spirited meeting contributions." We have decided this is a liability.

4.2 Asking to review the employment contract before signing. Indicates a troubling fixation on details.

4.3 Asking about work-life balance at any stage of the process. The correct work-life balance is implied by the salary.

Managers are reminded that these criteria supplement, but do not replace, the existing requirement that candidates possess five years of experience in any technology less than two years old.

-- END MEMO --

From the Satire Desk at goodbye, interview. All companies and people in this memo are fictional. Satire is always labelled and never names real companies — the true stories do that on their own. Spotted an error of fact in our non-fiction? Corrections.