# Internal memo: introducing the Gormless Systems Candidate Micrometrics Assessment

**[SATIRE]** — by The Satire Desk · inspired by an HR professional's Reddit post on absurd hiring rejections

MEMORANDUM

TO: All Hiring Managers, Gormless Systems
FROM: Talent Optimisation Division
RE: Candidate Micrometrics Assessment (CMA) — Rollout Q3 2026

Effective immediately, all candidates advancing past the initial screening call will complete the Candidate Micrometrics Assessment before any technical interview is scheduled. The CMA replaces the now-deprecated 45-minute mobile game battery (balloon-popping, emoji-tapping, light-sequence memorisation) with a more holistic evaluation framework.

The CMA evaluates candidates across five research-backed dimensions:

1. CHROMATIC COORDINATION INDEX (CCI). Candidates will be photographed upon arrival. The CMA algorithm compares belt colour to shoe colour using a proprietary 12-point harmony scale. Scores below 7 trigger an automatic rejection with the note: 'Insufficient attention to detail.'

2. TEMPORAL COMPLIANCE SCORE (TCS). Arrival tracking begins 30 minutes before the scheduled interview. The optimal window is exactly 14-16 minutes early. Arriving at T-minus-10 minutes flags 'anxiety.' Arriving at T-minus-20 minutes flags 'desperation.' Arriving on time means you didn't plan for traffic, which is simply irresponsible.

3. RESPONSE INITIATION LATENCY (RIL). After each interview question, the CMA measures the pause before the candidate begins speaking. The sweet spot is 1.8-2.3 seconds. Faster responses indicate recklessness. Slower responses indicate low confidence. Exactly 2.1 seconds is ideal and has been pre-calibrated to match our CEO's personal cadence.

4. OFFERED SUSTENANCE DECISION MATRIX (OSDM). If the interview room contains snacks or beverages, candidate selection is monitored. Accepting water only: neutral. Accepting a biscuit: 'lacks discipline.' Declining everything: 'doesn't trust the organisation.' Bringing your own snack: rejected — and frankly, that one is justified.

5. STATIONERY AUTONOMY ASSESSMENT (SAA). Candidates who bring their own notebook and pen are flagged for 'resource distrust.' Candidates who ask to borrow a pen are flagged for 'lack of preparation.' Candidates who take notes on a laptop are flagged for 'possible data exfiltration.' The ideal candidate memorises everything and recalls it flawlessly.

The CMA takes approximately 90 seconds to administer and will be the sole determinant of cultural fit at Gormless Systems going forward. We estimate a 97% rejection rate, which leadership views as a feature, not a bug — it demonstrates the exceptional selectivity of our brand.

Questions? Direct them to the CMA feedback form. Please note the feedback form itself constitutes a micrometrics assessment and your response initiation latency will be recorded.

*Source: [Inspired by r/recruitinghell · via Economic Times](https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/us/life/rejected-for-not-matching-belt-and-shoes-hr-reveals-5-absurd-reasons-managers-reject-great-candidates-nowadays/articleshow/128197668.cms)*

> ⚠️ SATIRE — clearly labelled fiction. Do not cite as real events.

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