# Gormless Systems Memo 2026-201: The ‘Sideways Drill Bit’ Salary Window

**[SATIRE]** — by The Satire Desk · inspired by a post on X

GORMLESS SYSTEMS — INTERNAL MEMO
Talent Intelligence Division · QA Post-Mortem
Re: Candidate #4471 (“Sprucewood Years”)

To the Hiring Committee:

This morning, our state-of-the-art AI recruiter completed a successful interview with a candidate who does not appear to exist.

The applicant claimed seven years of experience at Sprucewood, a company our systems cannot find. They described their current responsibilities as “raccoon protocols.” When asked for a desired salary range, they submitted a sideways drill bit. The bot praised the candidate’s composure, logged the drill bit under “compensation package,” and advanced them to the next round.

We reviewed the transcript. The bot was, by every metric we track, correct to do so. The candidate answered with confidence, showed no hesitation, and never left our safety parameters. Nothing in our hiring model is designed to detect whether answers are true, because nothing in our hiring model was ever given that job. It looked for polish, punctuality, and a drill bit in the salary field — and it found all three.

We recommend promoting the bot to Head of Talent and reserving human judgment for a future fiscal year. Next steps: begin outreach to candidates who describe themselves as “at least 40% raccoon.”

— The Satire Desk

*Source: [Inspired by @RT_Visual_on_X on X](https://x.com/RT_Visual_on_X/status/2092992386389446988)*

> ⚠️ SATIRE — clearly labelled fiction. Do not cite as real events.

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