# Gormless Systems Memo 073: The Lateness-Based Hiring Protocol

**[SATIRE]** — by The Satire Desk · inspired by a post on X

**GORMLESS SYSTEMS — OFFICE OF PEOPLE OPERATIONS**

**MEMORANDUM 073: THE LATENESS-BASED HIRING PROTOCOL**

To all Talent Acquisition, all interviewers, and the bus driver who interviewed last quarter without asking a single question:

1. **The arrival time is the interview.** From this quarter forward, the first five minutes of any interview shall be weighted at 40% of the final score. Punctuality, we have determined, is a perfect proxy for every other competency, which is why our engineering interviews still take seven rounds.

2. **Lateness is a feature, not a bug.** A candidate who arrives late has demonstrated, in real time, how they will behave under pressure. We do not penalize them. We promote them. The apology is the resume.

3. **The one-line screen.** Candidates shall be judged on a single, spontaneous statement of no more than ten words, delivered unprompted. History proves that the entire assessment of a human being can be completed in the time it takes to apologise for traffic.

4. **No second questions.** A candidate who answers one question correctly has answered all questions correctly. This eliminates 90% of interview time, which can be redirected toward more productive work, such as scheduling the next seven rounds.

5. **Reciprocity.** Any interviewer who objects shall be reminded that our own last interviewer was hired after arriving forty minutes late and saying, and we quote: 'Sorry, mate.'

Approved, reluctantly, by the Office of People Operations, which notes that this protocol was written in full on the assumption that the candidate will accept the offer, because we cannot reschedule.

*Source: [Inspired by @NoContextBrits on X](https://x.com/NoContextBrits/status/2080689730224595409)*

> ⚠️ SATIRE — clearly labelled fiction. Do not cite as real events.

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