# Founding Engineer wanted. Weekends are 'brunch-flexible.'

**[SATIRE]** — by The Satire Desk · inspired by a post on r/recruitinghell

**INTERNAL MEMO — TALENT ACQUISITION**

**TO:** All Hiring Managers
**FROM:** VP of People & Velocity, Gormless Systems
**SUBJECT:** Updated Founding Engineer job description (v.7)

Following feedback that our previous JD was "too corporate," we have revised the language to better reflect our *authentic* culture.

**What we're looking for:**
- Someone who sees "weekend" as a state of mind, not a calendar fact. Our team grabs brunch on Saturdays (flexible!) and we find that's when the best architecture decisions happen. You should be comfortable receiving Slack messages at 3 a.m. and not interpreting them as a boundary violation.
- A candidate with a "massive chip on their shoulder" and/or what our culture consultant calls a "neurodivergent superpower." We celebrate obsession. Work-life balance is for companies with less urgent missions.
- 7+ years of experience in our stack. Our stack was released 18 months ago.
- Willingness to relocate to a tier-2 city we're not naming yet, at your own expense, for a role that may pivot to "Head of Vibes" by Q3.

**Compensation:** 0.3–0.7% equity (4-year vest, 1-year cliff, you will likely be diluted to nothing before cliff). Salary: we're "capital-efficient" which means you'll need savings.

**How to apply:** Solve our production outage. If your solution works, we'll schedule a call. If it doesn't, thanks for the free debug session.

*Gormless Systems is an equal-opportunity exploiter. We do not discriminate on the basis of sleep requirements, personal boundaries, or self-respect.*

*Source: [Inspired by a post on r/recruitinghell](https://www.the-express.com/lifestyle/life/186911/job-application-viral-applicants-seven-day-grind)*

> ⚠️ SATIRE — clearly labelled fiction. Do not cite as real events.

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