# Cromulent AI Memo 2026-169: The Two-Minute Self-Introduction

**[SATIRE]** — by The Satire Desk · inspired by a post on X

CROMULENT AI — INTERNAL MEMO
Talent Acquisition Division · Policy Update
Re: Mandatory Two-Minute Video Self-Introduction

To All Recruiters:

Effective immediately, every candidate who passes the resume screen will be required to submit a two-minute video introducing themselves.

Initial implementation has exceeded expectations. Candidates have responded with a range of creative submissions, several of which we have provisionally classified as 'definitely a cat.' Early concerns that the video request adds a new burden to an already byzantine process were overruled by the discovery that the videos are, in practice, almost never watched.

We have nonetheless established a preliminary evaluation rubric, pending full review:
- Energy (0-10): based on the first three seconds, unless the first three seconds are the candidate clearing their throat, in which case the entire video is scored against the throat-clear.
- Lighting (0-10): candidates who filmed in a dark room are assumed to be hiding something. Candidates who filmed in direct sunlight are assumed to be hiding something else.
- Introspection (0-10): whether the candidate mentions a 'growth mindset' within the first thirty seconds. We understand 'growth mindset' to be a phrase that costs nothing and means everything.

Candidates who decline to submit a video will be marked 'not a culture fit.' We are confident this is the most efficient way to identify people who are willing to perform unpaid work before the first interview.

We will announce the results of the video review at the same time we announce the results of the interviews: eventually, and only if asked.

— The Satire Desk

*Source: [Inspired by @thefolabi on X](https://x.com/thefolabi/status/2089376101864816683)*

> ⚠️ SATIRE — clearly labelled fiction. Do not cite as real events.

[← Back to satire](https://www.goodbyeinterview.com/satire.md)
[Corrections](https://www.goodbyeinterview.com/corrections.md)