# Cobalt Hiring Group — Offer Integrity & Eligibility Policy (Confidential)

**[SATIRE]** — by The Satire Desk · inspired by a retracted internal offer, a $75k offer on a $110k posting, a two-day rescind, and a no-show blamed on the candidate

COBALT HIRING GROUP — OFFER INTEGRITY & ELIGIBILITY POLICY
Confidential. Circulate internally only. An offer, once spoken aloud, becomes a liability. Treat it accordingly.

ELIGIBILITY RECALCULATION
Extend the offer. Let them negotiate. Let them accept. Let them tell their manager and order their equipment. Then, at the moment of maximum inconvenience, discover a miscalculation. The preferred error is a tenure requirement the candidate met on paper and did not meet in our ledger. Their employment history has been on file the entire time; retrieving it late is not an oversight, it is timing.

TOTAL COMPENSATION
Post a range. Interview to the top of it. Then offer the floor and call the difference “total potential compensation” — health insurance at sticker price, incentives we may or may not fund, a wellness stipend nobody has redeemed. If the candidate cites the posted floor, explain that the posting was aspirational. If they cite it twice, note that they are “focused on the wrong things.”

COMPETITIVE SEARCH
Engage a headhunter so that no salary range ever enters the file. Have them tell the candidate “you are the guy.” Wait two days. Then find the candidate too expensive — a conclusion available at any earlier moment, and useful only now.

NO-SHOWS
If a panel fails to appear, do not reschedule. Two days later, state that the candidate missed the interview at the agreed time. We keep no record of who joined a call, which means the record shows whatever we say it shows.

CLOSING
Notify nobody. Where notice is unavoidable, keep it to a single line, and never the reason.

— Cobalt Hiring Group. We extend offers. Occasionally in reverse.

*Source: [Inspired by recent recruiting stories (via r/careerguidance / r/jobs / r/interviews) · fiction — Cobalt Hiring Group is invented](https://www.reddit.com/r/careerguidance/comments/1wv6d4j/job_offer_was_rescinded_after_3_months_because_hr/)*

> ⚠️ SATIRE — clearly labelled fiction. Do not cite as real events.

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