# INTERNAL MEMO: Candidate Emotional State Compliance Standards (v2.4)

**[SATIRE]** — by The Satire Desk · inspired by a pattern of absurd behavioural rejection rationales on r/recruitinghell and r/developersIndia

FROM: Talent Optimisation Division, Cromulent AI
TO: All Hiring Managers and Panel Leads
RE: Updated CES (Candidate Emotional State) Scoring Framework

Following last quarter's regrettable incidents -- including the candidate who smiled too much (interpreted as "lacking appropriate urgency"), the one who didn't smile enough ("culture mismatch, possible automation risk"), and the engineering lead who rejected a candidate for blinking at an "above-median frequency" -- we are standardising our emotional compliance rubric.

Effective immediately, all interviewers will score candidates across five dimensions:

1. ANXIETY INDEX (1-10): Target range 4-7. Below 4 suggests insufficient commitment to the role. Above 7 suggests insufficient commitment to themselves, which is also a red flag.

2. OPTIMISM-TO-CYNICISM RATIO: Candidates should project cautious optimism with a measured awareness that everything could collapse at any moment. This is our culture.

3. CAMERA PROXIMITY: No closer than arm's length, no further than two arms' lengths. Leaning in suggests desperation. Leaning out suggests disengagement. Sitting perfectly still suggests they may be a static image. All are disqualifying.

4. EYE CONTACT SUSTAINABILITY: Must maintain eye contact 62-68% of the time. Below 62%: evasive. Above 68%: unsettling. We have installed blink-tracking software in all conference rooms to assist with calibration.

5. VIBE COMPLIANCE: Subjective. No appeals process.

A score of 3.7-4.2 across all five dimensions is required to proceed. Candidates landing outside this window will receive our standard rejection email, which thanks them for their time and assures them we "went with a candidate whose emotional state more closely aligned with our current hiring roadmap."

Questions? Please consult the 47-page FAQ. If your question is not answered, it is probably not a valid question.

-- Cromulent AI Talent Optimisation Division. Optimising humans out of hiring since 2023.

*Source: [Inspired by a post on r/developersIndia and broader recruiting absurdity](https://www.news18.com/viral/techie-claims-startup-rejected-him-for-not-stressing-out-at-interview-ws-l-9382514.html)*

> ⚠️ SATIRE — clearly labelled fiction. Do not cite as real events.

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