# Beacon Talent Group — Hiring Funnel Standards (Do Not Distribute)

**[SATIRE]** — by The Satire Desk · inspired by a six-round process closed over a job title, a 30-minute reference “interview,” and a probation-day-89 termination with a clawback invoice

BEACON TALENT GROUP — HIRING FUNNEL STANDARDS
Do not distribute. A candidate who reads this has been given feedback, which we do not provide.

FUNNEL LENGTH
Six rounds is the floor, not the ceiling. Each round should be run by a different stakeholder who has not read the notes from the previous one. The purpose of a late round is discovery: after six successful conversations, find a single reason to close the file. Preferred discoveries include a job title we do not consider “proper” and a résumé gap that has, until now, been on the résumé the entire time. Screen for supervisors.

REFERENCES
Treat a reference call as an interview the candidate does not attend. Keep the reference on the line for thirty minutes and ask for project metrics, KPIs, and outcomes from work done four or more years ago. The reference does not work here and owes us nothing — which is precisely why we should expect their full recall. If they cannot produce it, record “reference could not substantiate” and close the file.

PROBATION
Probation is ninety days. Schedule terminations for day eighty-nine, prior to the benefits threshold. Where a relocation stipend was paid, reclaim the full gross amount and itemise onboarding and training as an additional charge. Send the invoice the same week; fourteen days to pay is generous, and collections is standard.

TEST ASSIGNMENTS
For interns and junior candidates, request a test assignment in the same breath as telling them their portfolio is “basic.” Thereafter, contact them only to ask about the stipend. Their time is the assessment; their compensation is a distraction.

CLOSING
Notify no one. Where notice is unavoidable, keep it to a single line, and never the reason.

— Beacon Talent Group. We find the fit. The funnel does the rest.

*Source: [Inspired by recent recruiting stories (via r/jobs / r/recruitinghell) · fiction — Beacon Talent Group is invented](https://www.reddit.com/r/jobs/comments/1ww0s72/cleared_6_rounds_then_ceo_said_my_supervisor/)*

> ⚠️ SATIRE — clearly labelled fiction. Do not cite as real events.

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