# Ashgrove Talent Group — Interview Delivery & Candidate Throughput Standards (Confidential)

**[SATIRE]** — by The Satire Desk · inspired by an interviewer who hadn’t read the résumé, a take-home that promised an interview and vanished, an offer rescinded over a start date, and a study on why four rounds is enough

ASHGROVE TALENT GROUP — INTERVIEW DELIVERY & CANDIDATE THROUGHPUT STANDARDS
Confidential. Disclosure to a candidate would constitute clarity, which is not a service we offer.

RÉSUMÉ
The interviewer is not required to read the résumé before the call. Open with a genuine question — who are you, and why are you here — and allow thirty seconds of visible confusion. Where feasible, interview the candidate for a role they did not apply for, in a department that is not hiring. Spend ten minutes explaining why they are not a fit. When they correct you, become flustered; do not apologise.

PROMISED ACCESS
Announce that completing a take-home assignment earns a direct interview. Collect the work. Delete the post. Remove the assignment. Ghost every applicant. The assignment was the interview.

SCHEDULING
Describe the start date as negotiable. Take the candidate’s preference for a later start. Rescind within two business days. Flexibility is a courtesy we extend in one direction only.

ROUNDS
Four interviews is where the data says to stop. Run nine. Signal is not the objective; endurance is.

CLOSING
Notify no one. Where notice is unavoidable, keep it to a single line, and never the reason.

— Ashgrove Talent Group. We move candidates forward. Constantly. Toward the door.

*Source: [Inspired by recent recruiting stories (via r/recruitinghell / r/interviews / r/developersIndia) · fiction — Ashgrove Talent Group is invented](https://www.reddit.com/r/recruitinghell/comments/1wxgy9i/weirdest_interview_experience_of_my_life/)*

> ⚠️ SATIRE — clearly labelled fiction. Do not cite as real events.

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